Hot Air, chapter 19.
"Ahm", coughed Veronika. She felt deserted, alone with this... this...
"When, as an unremarkable young man, I wanted to buy erotic woodcuts, the old saleswoman drove me off with these words: 'Women and men are born in equal numbers, and while maturing the desire arises equally in them. Do you think women do those things just because they are supposed to? Instead of squandering your youthful efforts with the help of dirty pictures, take hold of something that's made of flesh and blood, help yourself and somebody else,' she said, coquettishly adjusting her gray curls. But she didn't understand me. I did satisfy my urges with pictures, but they were not as simple as she assumed they were. I've seen friends who misunderstood their sexual needs, and helplessly fell into the plagued swamps of emotion. I didn't want to take the path of least resistance, to moor myself in a defined social status, I didn't want to subordinate my plans to the miserable politics of marriage. I had my own plans for myself," said Uzo, contemplating his reflection on the surface of the palm wine. "I wanted a clear situation: to possess a woman totally, in a way that suits my requirements, and get rid of the remains afterwards. At that time, due to my financial circumstances, this was possible only by using erotic woodcuts."
A fine start, thought Veronika.
"But now my power over living and non-living things has grown significantly," continued Uzo. "I've switched from two-dimensional static objects to three-dimensional dynamic ones, so to speak. I've ordered female specimens brought to me, with attributes that completely satisfied the selectivity of my finely honed criteria. However, all of them were either clumsy passive country girls or hard-boiled professionals. The sweetness of domination is proportional to the strength of the resistance... And resistance was either absolutely missing, or routinely faked. I've waited a long time for a woman who possessed both quality of outward appearance and a will worth breaking."
Nice going, thought Veronika. Now he will summon his trusty Balakar to tie me to the bed, and then he will drool over me with his flaccid member. People who drive their libido with porno mags should stay with them. Because ultimately every one of them finds the real thing disappointing. Every real touch is two-way, every real satisfaction demands some sweat.
"I remember my first 'normal' experiences of intercourses," said Uzo with a bitter smile. "I remember those sweaty asses that had to be squeezed and squeezed to oblivion, enormous flabby tits that had to be kneaded and kneaded as if they were god-knows-what... Women reminded me of heavy, inert machines. I would skillfully climb to the apex, and they wouldn't even be warmed up yet. For me, ecstasy was the flowering of the cosmos, for them it was just snorting caused by prolonged friction. I realized that man and woman only seem to cooperate during the sexual act, that their goals are completely different. This is why their cooperation is so inefficient and tedious. If I had been consulted at the right moment, I'd have imagined things differently. If the man already has a head, arms and legs, why should the woman possess them as well? They are of no use to her anyway. Women are just wombs, their shape is sheer mimicry. For a real man, the greatest danger is regarding the woman as similar to himself.
I'll admit that reproduction has an inevitable role in the survival of a species; but only the woman can regard it as an ultimate raison'd'etre. The man realizes himself through his own individuality, the psychology of a toadstool that thrives on the dung-pile and scatters spores hoping they will fare better than she has done is alien to him. Only his own stupidity, laziness and delusion force him to give up the development of his personality, and lie down with his hairy shrew in a daily bed of shitty diapers. At this point he perpetrates the ultimate crime against himself and the society, and hands the control stick over to the the woman. His wings are clipped forever, because the woman will never be satisfied with a steady nourishing diet and a warm home (even though those are the only things she objectively needs to bear offspring), she will, superfluously gifted with some higher mental functions, require conversation – vacuous by default – fun, dancing – I can't adequately express how much I abhor that apelike exhibitionistic twitching – and even feelings, which in women are developed exclusively in rudimentary form.
If the Maker had asked me for advice, I'd offer the obvious solution. I would reduce the sex-difference question to a purely functional base. Why are there two sexes anyway? Because if Man as a conscious entity, as the exponent of the universe in whom Reality is reflected, is to reach ultimate enlightenment, he needs to free himself from his animal substrate, not only spiritually, but also physically. The woman was created to tend the slimy material mechanism required for the continuation of the species. But I have the impression that the Maker had grown a bit lazy when that question came up on the agenda. I admit that his entire task was tough enough – all those stars, complicated natural laws, trees, leaves, capillaries – but when he came around to conceiving the sex differences he definitely did some economizing. Simply put, to make the woman he superficially modified the basic design of the superior male model, and glued on some additional organs. Haven't you at least once met a person that you couldn't immediately identify as male or female? That's just one of the proofs that the original concept was imperfect."
"So, what do you suggest?", asked Veronika.
"I suggest the obvious: the reduction of the female organism. I'd leave all the functions contained in the torso, more or less; here's the uterus, with the adjoining vulva, as the priority organ, and the basic biological system that keeps metabolic processes running, heart, lungs, stomach, kidneys, bladder, colon, those things. Also, attached to the rib cage, there are glands that produce a nourishing liquid which the baby feeds on until the chemism of its digestive tract stabilizes. Of course, all this has to be wrapped in a thick layer of fat which provides mechanical and thermal isolation. But why should a head be included, if you please? It contains so many things that are unnecessary and harmful to a woman.
First consider the mouth: undoubtedly, an opening is necessary for the intake of air, water and foodstuffs; add-ons for mincing the tougher substances are also OK; but what's the use of vocal cords? What is the purpose of that magical harp made of connecting tissue, that allows the artist to surpass the most skilled of zurla-players, or by sonorous declamation to lead poetic thought to new depths? Unaware of its subtlety, the woman uses that expressive instrument only for shameful gossip or poisonous nagging. A simple toothed sphincter would suffice, with a skin flap, possibly able to emit primitive acoustic signals such as 'Prrrrt' – 'I'm hungry', or 'Prrrt-prrt' – 'I feel cold'.
Next, consider the ears. An incredibly complicated receptor, which not only discerns sounds over an unimaginable range of intensities, from the rustling of a spring breeze to the eruption of a volcano, but also recognizes tonal nuances which can lift a man to musical ecstasy. Moreover, we possess two such converters, giving us spatial acoustic location! The woman could manage with one simple membrane with a funnel, able to receive a small number of orders. Anything above that would be a harmful extragavance. A clear pair of eyes, indispensable to a hunter, warrior or painter, is completely unnecessary. The woman uses her eyesight only for endless making-up in front of a mirror. If she has to be implemented with some sort of a light sensor, let it be a rudimentary receptor adequate for simple phototropism.
Since it's not too developed anyway, I'd leave the sense of smell more or less as it is. On the other hand, I'd eliminate the brain entirely. The biggest mistake was equipping the woman with a brain, however inferior it may be. After all, it undoubtedly represents the greatest miracle of biology; an apparatus which uses its logical, associative and memorizing capabilities to integrate man's experience into a unique image of the world, helping him solve the great riddle of existence. Since the woman was simply not created for that purpose, she can only abuse her mental powers. A weak man will easily entangle himself in her net of false judgments, logic errors and female 'intuition.' So, for the woman, the brain is not only unnecessary, it is also harmful. The automatisms for keeping the neuro-vegetative system going are more or less contained in the spinal cord anyway. According to my concept, the woman would have no head in the classic sense," said Uzo, moistening his dry mouth with a sip of wine.
"This is more than interesting," said Veronika. "You haven't yet mentioned your plans regarding arms and legs. Don't you think that those limbs are necessary for the survival of the woman?"
"Not in the least," Uzo countered readily. "Not in the least. The woman, having a permanent shelter and a reliable source of food, needs no ability to move, and certainly has no need for fine object manipulation using a hand with fingers and a thumb. I have envisioned female farms as large buildings, heated during winter, with numerous rows of compartments, decked with straw and connected by a system of troughs which dispense water and nourishing syrup, and drain the fecal matter. The ability to crawl would fully satisfy the minimal physical mobility requirements. Maybe I'd leave the legs, without the joints and musculature, of course – as an aid in copulation, giving man something to get hold of, so to speak."
"So, you'd still leave copulation?", asked Veronika.
"Of course, a well-conceived system of insemination troughs could eliminate even that. But why? First of all, the man is gifted with such an appropriate device for inserting the semen; secondly, the act itself can even be pleasurable. Also, selecting the vulva which will be entrusted with the continuation of the lineage is in itself an important evolutive factor. The man's duty is to find the right woman," said Uzonis.
"And inseminate her himself, to be on the safe side," said Veronika.
"Eminently correct," confirmed Uzo, while his bloodshot eyes glowed above the rim of his goblet.
"But what about the question of beauty, of attraction? Have you forgotten that? Why would a man desire some... fat larva? After all, the woman is beautiful for his sake," asked Veronika.
"Ah, you answer your question yourself," said Uzo. "Female beauty is just a short-lived deception. Do you see man as a pitiful insect that needs to be lured with colorful fragrant flowers? The only desirable female qualities are health, vitality and fertility. All else is camouflage (designed to trick the man into regarding the woman as similar to himself). In a way, we could consider anyone attracted by her manlike shape to be homosexual. In short, with my modifications, the woman wouldn't lose anything, and the man would be free to make his selection with greater objectivity."
"Given that things are not as you have described them, you must be very dissatisfied," she said. "Especially because you are not in a position to change anything."
"I wouldn't completely agree here," said Uzo. "You see, I've developed a method, more precisely a combination of amputation and lobotomy, which could convert the present model of the woman into a more acceptable form. Of course, the result would be far from perfect, but I simply don't have enough time to wait for evolution to come to its senses."
Veronika's stomach cramped, pushing its content back toward the entrance. "You haven't actually tried to do this?"
"Regrettably, no," said Uzonis. "Circumstances have not permitted it. But, as I've already explained, circumstances have changed greatly lately. I've had an excellent laboratory built and equipped, more like an operating room, with beautiful light-blue tiles and polished brass instruments. Also, I have assembled a team of leading experts in the associated fields. Some of them refused to join my project, mentioning meaningless aesthetic or moral objections, but I've always found ways to persuade them, or at least to silence them permanently. Those that survived are just waiting for my signal."
"Do you intend to... circumcise all women?" asked Veronika in disbelief.
"Unfortunately, the process is too expensive to be applied en masse. Only the select few will get the ideal woman," said Uzo.
"Starting with you, of course," said Veronika.
"That's right," said Uzo while his stare oozed over her long limbs.
She felt pinpricks pass over her skin.
"Hopefully, the technology will advance with time, and the body of experts will grow," said Uzo, his eyes lost in a visionary distance. "I see a future in which the entire female population will be subject to my process. Do you understand - by this act of extreme dominance, the man will actually free the woman, free her to play her natural role to perfection."
Translated by the author,
with help from